So it’s been a really long time since my last entry and it’s been an interesting couple of months. I’m afraid my writing has stalled a lot in that time mostly due to my search for a new job to take me forward.
I managed to find a temporary role in central London through an agency at the end of June for which I went for an aptitude test but I was unable to make the start date because I had a holiday booked for then and I couldn’t start later because they needed people to start on that day due to the intensive training. I thought the company would perhaps give me some leverage because I got the highest score on the test but it wasn’t so. I was really gutted as it was perfect for me, I was hoping to get something in central so that I could do more things during the week and get back into my groups and perhaps start mine up again.
I’d put money aside when I left my job to cover my rent until the end of July and I’d planned to find something in June to keep me going until the end of the year so having that set back was a huge stress and scare for me. Money and work have always been a worry for me since I was a little kid and I think that the fear of not having enough money or a job have really affected and hindered me with the things that I really wanted to do. I’ve always put the need to find something and be comfortable ahead of my writing and art and I think if I didn’t have this anxiety then I could have put more focus into it and got things finished a lot sooner. My teaching career, something I’ve been doing for over ten years now was instigated by the need to do something with my life that would support me and validate the years I’d spent studying, years which came out of not knowing what I was going to do except write and paint.
Over the last thirteen years my writing has taken a backseat, becoming more and more of a hobby than an ambition but remaining a constant source of frustration and regret, regret that time is ticking by and I still haven’t achieved anything with it. That was why I chose to leave my job in March and take some time to finish my book. For a while it was going great but since I started worrying about work and money again, my writing has slowed down massively and I’ve found myself in a rut again.
So I went to Crete in July with my fiancé for our holiday and although I had a really good time the thought of not having a job to come back to was a real worry and I’m sorry to say that I took a lot of my stress out on my fiancé while we were there and then for a few weeks after we got back.
I’m glad to say though, now, that I’ve got a job sorted out for September. Funnily enough it was the same job that I couldn’t make the start date for. Apparently they needed some extra people and asked for me personally, I guess because of my test score. I’m really looking forward to starting and hopefully over the next month or so I’ll start going to groups again and enjoying London. I’ll also be able to see my fiancé and friends more. I’m worried though that I’m not going to get my book finished before the end of the year, that I’ll be too tired or distracted to work on it. I’ve still got a week or so to go before I start so I really need to kick myself up the bum and focus more. I meant to get some done today and yesterday but I just haven’t been able to summon the motivation.
I guess it’s become a lot more difficult the closer I am to the end, and I am getting close to it now. I still have another chapter or so to write and a few more to edit and these are the most difficult chapters because those that I still have to edit are very rough as I skimmed over sentences and even whole paragraphs, just leaving a few notes to explain events. So there’s a lot of extra writing to do just to fill gaps as well as all the stuff I have to embellish, reshape and reconstruct. I’m planning on taking my notepads into work tomorrow and finishing off the last of the new chapters so wish me luck.
I’ve also got some evening teaching classes coming up so I’ll be keeping my teaching experience current. I gave in my notice at my one day a week place which I’ll be sad to leave. As I think I’ve said before it was meant to be a full time post but they couldn’t sort out the funding so I’ve had to leave in order to take up this job in September. I would have liked to have stayed because I think they’re in sore need of activities. The work was in a physical and mental health clinic and it’s really difficult to get anything going because of staff shortages. I hope that they’ll be able to get someone else in to replace me and that things don’t just stop.
I’m sorry that this entry has been a bit depressing, but I’m glad to say that I’ve got a new job coming up and I’m lucky to have the ongoing support of my family and friends. Hey I’ll make a promise with you - I’ll put in another entry this weekend and I promise I’ll have written some new stuff and got some editing done and I’ll tell you all about it. Deal?
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